You may be addicted to the Internet if...

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

You comment, while watching a sunset, that the image would be enhanced with 10% more magenta and a higher resolution.

When someone tells you about a great new program and you're very disappointed to find that it's on TV.

If while driving down the street, you are confused by the numbers on the houses - they do not appear to be legitimate WWW addresses.

When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window.

When you start using phrases like:

If you call in sick because you found a great new WWW site.

If you can type your top 10 favorite Web sites, by heart.

If your fingers quit moving because you've been online for 36 hours.

If your net provider suggests you try a competitor, because you're exceeding 300 hours a month connect time.

If on the way home from work, you use your portable and cellular phone in your car, to reprogram a Tomahawk missile, in flight, and redirect it to take out the joker in the Cadillac who cut you off.

When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.

If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your car window.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

Your cat has its own home page.

You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.

Your bookmarks take 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

Your wife says communication is important in a you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

Your virtual girlfriend finds a new net sweetheart with a larger bandwidth.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "undo" button

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy --- for a year!!!!!

You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ......instead of ICU!

You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

You placed the refrigerator beside your computer...or put it in the bathroom.

You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.

Tech support calls YOU for help.

You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."

You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.

You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.

You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.

You say......."Where did the time go??"

You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.

You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......

You need to be pried from your computer by the jaws-of-life.

Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this.... "BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL...ASAP".

You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ****kisses*****.

Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.

You're on the phone and say "BRB".

Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood-shot eyes.

You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.

The only jokes you receive are through email.

Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.

You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.

You have more friends on the internet than in real life.

Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

Your four basic food groups are:
1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a Web page.

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
I will get dressed before noon.
I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
I will read a book...if I still remember how.
I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
I will try and get out of the house at least once a week,if it is necessary or not.
I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

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